Deflection

"Connie, deflection? That makes me think of ...well, not what I want."

That was my first impression. Deflecting is inbred, is it not? I mean, if it comes naturally...

Deflection to me means batting away, diverting attention...I don't know...swerving maybe. I've been good at that ALL MY LIFE. Too tall, too skinny (okay, I can hear the laughing), too shy. Anything to keep the attention away. That's a little hard to do when you are "the preacher's kid" and new in a new town, a new school. To survive you must deflect. You must cover up the defects, the insecurities, the little-less-than-average feeling which creeps into your bones. No history to stand on here (too many moves), no old friends since childhood to lean on. All eyes on you and nowhere to go. Deflection was essential...it let me breathe.

So I learned to deflect early. Consistently. Shamefully. Interminably. Always wondering if people could see through me...or had I practiced this so long that I believed my deflective self. Calm on the outside, jelly within. Competent on the outside, utter failure on the inside. Smiling on the outside, tears within.

There is a secret to be divulged here...this condition of living makes for a very short life.

Some times our past is like an anchor- holding us back- we have to let go

of who we were to become who we will be.

Which started my questioning Connie's comment of  "in psych terms its called deflection:"   See, I attached my own past with deflection and it didn't taste good in my mouth.  I wanted to erase the taste but it was sticking like peanut butter.  I had moved on, hadn't I?  I was past the pretending, the conforming, desiring to please, the yearning to be accepted, to just be liked.  Wasn't I?

Yes!  But the real concept I was having trouble with was forgiveness.  Not of others, no, that gets easier every day.  But forgiving myself?  Truly letting my past sins go?  Not denying them, which is merely a delusion: flimsy, fake, and shallow...more like my idea of deflecting.  But forgiveness is real: robust and solid and deep.  It is not an avoiding of the truth, but a dealing with it squarely, however painful.

Isa 43:25 (NIV) "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

Every past has sin, sin to be dealt with, squarely and fully, with godly sorrow, confessed and repented.  I thank the Lord for His forgiveness and if He can deal with my sins and remember them no more, I can do no less.

Sacrifice or Reward?

I am a selfish woman, somewhat lazy and wasteful with my time.  I constantly must ask forgiveness for self-centered thoughts and words.  I would rather be reading a good book than finishing chores.  I would rather ride than walk, sit than stand, float than swim...you get the picture.

Having been gone for a week, there is a car to unload, suitcases to unpack, and stuff to return to its rightful place.  Yet, I sit here reminising and recalling words from this past week that made such an impression on me.  Snippits of lectures and conversation drift through my head, taken from people who have dedicated themselves to learning and the ability to enrich others with the Word.

Attending the Christian Training Series at Freed Hardeman University is a precious week for me.  Being able to serve others by working in it may be the sacrifice, but the reward far surpasses any effort put forth on my part.  I am in awe of the number of talents displayed at CTS, how so many speakers can inspire me to better thoughts, actions and endurance, leaving me with a desire to learn more of spiritual things, learning to serve in better ways, learning to share the love of God to everyone I come in contact with.

I watched a couple work tirelessly for the success of CTS, living on little sleep but always with a smile on their faces.  I thank God for Sam and Phyllis Hester.

I watched other staff helping, serving, working on behalf of others.  I thank God for their tireless devotion and loving spirits.

I watched as a sister in Christ spoke of her loving dad, dying of cancer, who would not let her stay home to help him but urged her to attend the series he loved, knowing her spirit would be renewed and knowing his spirit faced a safe haven with the Lord.  I thank God for Mary Ann, her family, her dad Sammy.

I watched and heard voices raised to God in song day after day, blending in harmony so pleasant and encouraging to the ears.  I thank God for the ability to praise Him in song.

We all have a choice.  We make them every day.  We choose where we want to go, what we do, what we say.  You can choose to spend your time and efforts in entertainment, comfort and vanity.  Or you can choose to immerse yourself in the atmosphere of love, praise, the Word, the blessings that abundantly abound from the fellowship of your Christian brothers and sisters. 

I thank God for CTS, Christian Training Series at Freed Hardeman.  You should, too.