Season of Love

Hours, then days of frantic preparation, this litany of gift lists, menu and last second decoration...consumed in too few hours like a fast paced movie you'd rather not end.  The energy level sinks among tattered bits of wrapping paper, a naked tree devoid of presents, extra chairs still scattered.  Procrastination is the word for the day, as memories of the night before run through your mind like a slide show. 

The blessing of family is precious; the opportunity to be together a gift in itself.  Watching your grandchild's face light up, exclaiming "It's just what I wanted!" is heart warming and lovingly contagious. Happiness abounds and you just drink it in.

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family

 all wrapped up in each other." - Burton Hillis

Thanking God for my life filled to the brim with a loving family, a loving Saviour and most of all for God's grace!  May Christ be a part of your lives this day and every day of the year!

Cabin Fever

Cabin fever is real.  So is bronchitis.  Next step is pneumonia which should be avoided at all costs.  Lack of medical insurance will teach you that if nothing else.

So, the lingering, lounging, endless hours go by while one thousand and two things need to be done before Christmas.  And since Christmas is my absolute favorite time of year, the plans for decorating this year would surpass anything I had ever tried in the past.  Visions of garland with red bows draping the front fence, millions or else thousands of white lights outlining the house, and snowmen and penguins dotting the landscape.  For the first time in a long time, we now lived in a place that just begs for lots of holiday delight.  Woe is me and my name is whiner.

Cabin fever does offer time for reflection...when not napping...and there is plenty of distraction.  Friends and acquaintances fighting cancer and other heartaches.  Reading blogs of women who have lost their mates and struggling to get through the holidays.  Watching videos of heart rending circumstance and courageous efforts to overcome.  Reading verses of encouragement and promise from God's Word and prayer for those suffering.

One week of cabin fever is no equal to a lifetime of suffering or a seemingly endless barrage of continuing bad news, nor is it useless. As with any time of sickness or helplessness, it is another opportunity to realize my dependence on a higher power, one who knows me and loves me and will never leave me. 

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:" (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Tomorrow, God willing, I will be able to leave this house for a short trip.  I will whine no more and I will be grateful more.

Graciousness in Despair

Let me tell you about graciousness in the form of a woman...or two.

It was a day burdened with frustration, of time spent fruitlessly and endlessly.  Traffic crept, then time,  a typical "hurry up and wait."  Anticipating surgical procedures, the lack of nourishment, and unexpected emergencies pile and stack, bringing frowns to the faces and tiredness to the eyes.  Burdened lives of physical ills are heavy to the point of despair, and we wonder "why?" and "how long". 

God uses that.

Endless waiting provides opportunities for life reflection and status of soul.  Family and friends are prompted to open discussion of spiritual things, changes of lifestyle and the need for a savior.  A small room filled with persons make intimate conversation difficult, so expressions of encouragement and exhortation carry and words fall where they may. 

God's name is heard.

Finally, her husband's surgery goes well and she feels blessed.  Another's was put on life support and she is left devastated and helpless, all the while knowing that God will see her through.  The room is immediately drawn to her sadness and offers prayers in her behalf. 

God is honored.

The first lady, my good friend, carries the burden of Multiple Sclerosis...this day and every day of her life...a progressing, debilitating disease, making the endless traversing of a hospital stay difficult and draining.  There are no complaints...not a murmur passes her lips...ever.  I stand amazed at her resiliency and humbleness in spite of her ever changing, increasing dependence on other people or things.

God uses my friend to teach me gratitude and patience.

Driving her to where she will stay overnight, I meet her sister.  Another beautiful, gracious lady who welcomes me with warmth and appreciation...all from her wheelchair, for she carries the burden of polio.  I am then introduced to her loving husband, who suffers from Alzheimer's. Some have more than their share of burdens.  But I leave with beautiful, loving smiles following me through the door and the warmth envelops me, and I simply praise God for the pleasure of knowing these beautiful souls clothed in wearisome bodies.

God is worshipped.

May we be gracious and joyful in the face of despair, knowing that God is there even then, using the bad for good, teaching and admonishing us to learn and show compassion, growing our faith and giving us endless opportunities to do good, giving thanks to our Lord for all things and trusting Him always. 

It was a day full of graciousness and I, as well as others, was indeed blessed.

Disjointed musings...

A moth flitters above the water, seemingly to drink but obviously in trouble.  The delicate wings prove to be weak when encumbered with moisture, while the effort remains great to reach dry land. 


To escape a cat, a mouse lies dangerously still...but watchful for the feline's attention to be captured by a falling leaf or whistle of wind.  Scurrying away, the cat leaps to snag the tail of the mouse, only to let it loose again.  A game to the cat, but life and death to the mouse.


A young deer, unable to jump the fence, paces and peers through at her mother on the other side.  The mother exhibits no concern, but the fawn is deeply distressed and frantic, continuing her search for a way through.


The fear of our demise is real.  The horror of desertion can debilitate and wound. 


Life journeys teach independence, self reliance, even to the exclusion of family ties and community life.  God journeys teach dependence, grace and service in the name of love.  But what in this universe plants any desire to know God, much less know of His promises?

"The burning bush is right in front of us some days and we don't even know it!"  (Bryan Basham)

Is our view of religion one of "a psychological crutch required by neurotic people to enable them better face the rigours of life?"  Is our self-worth and independence so vital that no space exists to reflect any inadequacy on our part...or horrors... any error.

There contains a poem, "The Hound of Heaven", penned by Francis Thompson (1859-1907) which begins:

I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;
  I fled Him, down the arches of the years;
I fled Him, down the labyrinthine ways
  Of my own mind; and in the mist of tears
I hid from Him, and under running laughter.

 

How can we know from whence we run but that the Lord God will know and find and bring us back.  Back to His truths, His way, His plan...for He will not be thwarted, overcome or undone.  He will always be the one we long for, search for and listen for.  He is the object of our inconsolable longing, for which there is no water to quench our thirst. 

How big is our God?  Bigger than our deeper fear, bigger than any loss, bigger than life itself.  And He pursues us!  In the last words of Mr. Thompson's poem:

Is my gloom, after all,
Shade of His hand, outstreched caressingly?
  "Ah, fondest, blindest, weakest,
  I am He Whom thou seekest!
Thou dravest love from thee, who dravest Me."

Remembering Granny

She didn't have to be nice to me, didn't have to ensure I was included, loved, felt a part of the family.  She didn't have to love my child.  But she did because an honest, open, loving heart allows nothing else.

To attain the highest level of virtue describes the Proverbs 31 woman.  Granny's picture should be beside this chapter.

Mother to six, grandmother to thirteen, great-grandmother to ten, and a wonderful mother-in-law to women who adored her, respected her and sought to emulate.  A loving and caring wife to her husband, to whom all respect was rendered even unto his death.  A life of high morals, generosity, service and abundant faith.  Even when the memory of her own children left her, she still remembered God and how to pray and be thankful. 

Never one to meddle with her children's lives or make demands, a phone call concerning a particular family gathering, made apparent the event was important to her and became your pleasure to show up.

A maker of fine yeast rolls, she shared with me another recipe I've used many times.  Having no name, she had laughed and said, "Oh, we just call it the dying casserole!"  Because you couldn't pass from this earth that Granny wouldn't cook for the family a very filling and tasty dish, that has since graced many a table and not a few church potluck dinners of my own.

Loved and respected by all who knew her, leaving a great legacy and happy memories.  No doubt this graceful lady knew her family loved her, but I'm pretty sure the Lord loved her more.

Geraldine Chapman Evans

January 27, 1925 - October 5, 2011

I Know I'm In Jail...

A voice called to me as I entered...Help, help me!  I know I'm in jail, but I don't know where I'm supposed to be!"  Earnest words punctuated with fearful eyes and more than a hint of exasperation.  A heart that was willing but a mind that was struggling to make sense.  Accepting of circumstances, yet perplexed in the rules.  Unaware of what was "allowed" to help, I offered words of assurance while knowing they fell far short.

While the ending of our days is unknown in circumstance and time, the cowardly part of me grips the image of falling asleep and not awakening.  The imprisonment of mind and total confusion are not part of my image...yet the possibility is real.

Knowing your loved one might be experiencing pain, confusion, helplessness and loss tears at the lining of your heart, blurting Help! to the Lord above for healing, peace and comfort.  Suddenly, the question of why, Lord, why let my loved one suffer?...becomes a moment of clarity and insight.  The precious lady in her wheelchair this morning probably has no memory of her confusion or fright.  But the sight of her and the numerous others present at our service became, for me, one of compassion, love and service.  Knowing no one person residing at that nursing home mattered not in how I viewed each one, how precious each soul, and how gracious and beautiful each heart.

Pictures float through my mind...smiles of acknowlegment when hearing a familiar hymn...words of gratitude for being able to hear the song leader and speaker...eys holding steady on the our young children present...hands reaching out for the placemats made by the children. 

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  Isaiah 46:3-5

No, God had not left these loved ones to finish out their lives in solitude...He left us to care for them, provide for them and love them.  Better yet, to realize the gift of life, how we spend it and how we value it.  Praise God who knows every good thing, giving us what we need, loving us in such measure to the point of overflowing and showing us how to not waste a drop!

All Is Well

With fog heavy with morning, the sun steadily attempts to break through, revealing shapes in the distance.  The sun will not shirk its duty but believing in its destination and purpose, will burn through, the fog will lift until day is fully born.

My sins, my worries, my doubts and my guilt are in that fog.  They are rising, dissipating and lifting up to the heavens, and I find joy, peace and contentment.  James is my book of choice this morning:

Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himsef, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgeting what he has heard, but doing it- he will be blessed in what he does. James 1:23-25

How easily to be led down a dark alley by words of condemnation, with pursuing guilt stepping on your heels.  How vain and evil the preachings of men who do not walk in truth.  How wonderful the gift of Word and the ability to study to show yourself approved!

There is no one, no thing, no thought or word that can keep one from knowing God and being known by Him.   Earnest searching and prayer for wisdom and understanding brings forth a contrite heart, Godly sorrow, the request of forgiveness, and the power of faith in Him, heralding a joy in the morning with renewed vigor to work for Him.

No doubt there will be other valleys to walk through during my journey, but rejoicing will surely arrive.  Time spent in the Word gives hope to the hopeless, joy to the joyless, and strength to the weak.  My weaknesses may be many, but time in weakness brings me and my burdens to lay at His feet, and faith is replenished with joy and contentment.

Sometimes life seems hard to bear

Full of sorrow, trouble and woe.

It's then I have to remember...

That it's in the valleys I grow.

Lord, may I never stop growing in your truths, your love and your promises.  May my life's path be the one you have choosen for me, and may I learn from my valleys as I lean on you.  May I never be content to rely upon man's judgment, but forever seek you and love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my strength and all my mind.

Keep on Seeking

Day of gentle, falling rain turns gray, without definition or warmth.  Introspection settles in, of questions unanswered and anguish gone unabated.  The toil of study, search and the yearning for truth exhausts and discourages.  Oh, for a neatly written, concise and precise instruction to float from the sky and deliver into upturned hand. 

To give up is not an option, because the desire to please Him is strong and vital.  The search for truth is never ending, because maturity brings beauty and ugliness to light, and a deeper knowledge brings more responsibility and constant change.

Another jewel pops in my email, and again I am amazed at His timing, His constant encouragement, and by the startling knowledge that He knows me, hears me, and loves me.

"The great and mighty things that God wants to show you are often the

answers to prayers that you have prayed. Keep on asking, keep on seeking, keep on knocking—answers will come, doors will be opened, promises will be fulfilled." - Roy Lessin



Are They Real?

Silhouettes are almost always peaceful, delineating but not challenging.  Crisp, black and white forms with no blemishes, nothing harsh but pleading in its simplicity.  Flat surface.  No depth.  Featureless.

 

The word silhouette comes from the name of Louis XV's finance minister, Etienne de Silhouette. The wealthy blamed Silhouette for the taxes and fees placed upon them because of the financial difficulties caused by the Seven Years' War. Silhouette enjoyed making cut paper profile portraits, and he spent his retirement years decorating his home with them. These portraits soon became associated with his name.

Watching the sun set from my window, the light fading degree by degree, my view was that of rolling hills with the silhouette of cattle continuing their monotonous munching of grass.  I likened it to that scene in Gone With the Wind where Rhett and Scarlett are fleeing the burning city of Atlanta.  Yes, I know, the creatures were different but the silhouettes were no less riveting.

Reaching the grand age of 62, I find I do not want to be a silhouette.  I have blemishes and harsh edges and a past and a life and guilt and a love that I do not want to keep in shadow. 

I have a creator who loves me in spite of the above...maybe because of the above.  I have a purpose and God has a plan.  I cannot stay in shadow but I must open myself up to be glared upon, talked about and accepted or rejected.  I will not be painted into silhouette but will rejoice in color and full bloom.  I will work for Him.



Looking back...

Little houses side by side...row houses.  Acres and acres of white cotton with dots of black at plant height.  Loving  mammies...seemingly faithful, dependable and cherished...from a child's point of view. 

Fast forward to children playing together, white and black, my child and possibly yours.  Feelings of maturity, honestly, kindness, understanding and fairness permeate my efforts at raising my child.  Then comes the swimming pool.  And the request to swim with my child.  The head reels, the throat restricts, the bumbling excuse escapes my lips and even as I hear the sounds aloud, I am filled with self-loathing and shame.   

Fast forward 30 years.  I am secretly stunned at the cowardice staining the whiteness of this cloak I wear, this shield of Christianity that keeps me from allowing any prejudice to taint my treatment of others.

My self-ascribed notion of fairness fared poorly in the face of reality, primarily because although it was built on Biblical instruction, it was warped by man's interpretation of how and when to apply. 

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female,

 for you are all one in Christ Jesus.  (Gal. 3:28 ESV)

Racism is learned behaviour, revealing a prideful spirit that dares to judge God of errant creation, of giving lie to scripture.  Debated and thrashed and thought to be buried in our history, careful observation reveals it to be the silent conviction ready to color our thoughts and receptors to lending a hand. 

How can we honestly support world missions and not be open to local racial and ethnic groups?   To love one another means looking past physical and mental  attributes and loving a soul created by our Lord.  It was not God's command that we go into the world and change all culture into one, but to teach each and every one the Word of God.   

I can say that now.  I could have said it then.  But when faced directly, I bowed out.  While not possible to re-do that day, I am deeply remorseful that I turned that child away because I was afraid of what people might say...of how my own child might be perceived.   

Having just finished reading "The Help", one sentence stands out:  "These is white rules.  I don't know which ones you following and which ones you ain't." 

I don't want to follow rules...I just want to follow my heart...as long as it is the heart of Christ.  If I do, only love will follow and there will be no room for prejudice.

A Change of Direction

I was rethinking my answer.  I wanted a second chance to defend myself, my faith.  Did I slough off because it was easier?  Was it "too complicated" to get into just that moment? 

The stronger you think you are, the weaker you become.

In my continuing effort to rely not on another's opinion, but to study to show myself approved, I find myself researching man's interpretation still.  Why?  A book written in a language not my own brings me to "their" table, "their"  level of integrity, ability...faith.  Prayers of understanding, discernment and guidance go unheeded...it seems. 

Searching for truth.  Time spent fruitfully.

In the midst of online research, a posting in Facebook draws my attention.  "The true test of faith is to forgive someone who is not sorry!"  It pulls me away from diligent search and brings me to my knees with repenting heart.  Connected?  Surely.  The one thing I spend time on may be overshadowed by the true need of my soul.  Being "right" isn't always preeminent - forgiveness is.

Forgiveness doesn't always benefit the one to whom it it given; rather it is the ultimate in peace and tranquility from knowing the forgiveness you give is a shadow only of the grace from God. 

Frustrating the Flustered

There was a snake in our pool yesterday.  I found it.  Alive.  Its presence was short lived because Terry came to the rescue and removed it with the leaf skimmer, then fed it to the birds.  It was a very young snake.  I wonder where its mother is...or siblings?

This small snake was not evil in itself, but it presented a danger to my family and an affront to my senses because it had envaded my space. 

As Terry slowly moved the skimmer toward the little fellow, he became frustrated and agitated, thrashing and squirming when he became cornered.  Wanting in the water initially, he now wanted out but not by the help of this giant with a skimmer. You see, he went where he had no business going.  Not being able to overcome his predicament, he needed help but he didn't want to pay the price. 

Each decision made calls for an action and result. Frustration often comes with the result.

Frustration for me can lead to hateful, retaliating words and then tears of dispair.  Being armed with experience and careful consideration does not guarantee acceptance and cooperation. Having been here before, at some point the reality of limitation and subsequent surrender is inevitable. What I consider being responsible and providing guidance may mean control to others. 

When lie is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.  Enter the silence.  Bow in prayer.  Don't ask questions: wait for hope to appear.  Don't run from trouble.  Take it full-face.  The "worst" is never the worst. (Lamentations 3:28-30 The Message)

With my kind husband providing the verse, I know that my efforts may seem to have been in vain, but there is a God in heaven who hears my cries and knows my every despair, indeed, my every failure.  But there is always reason to hope.  What a blessing in God's Word.

  

Stillness

There is a stillness in early mornings that speak to the soul.  Mists lifting from the grasses on rolling fields and yard where deer graze peacefully and quietly.  When birds still nestle with heads tucked, not ready to lift their songs to the world.  When the sun has not succeeded in piercing its rays of light for a sunny welcome to the day, yet the glow is spreading rapidly in the East.  When the only sounds in this house are the clock ticking in the kitchen, and the soft meow of the cats wanting their first morsels of the day.

How blessed to have this view, this moment, this hour of quietness to speak to my Lord, to marvel at His scriptures, to pray in thankfulness for my blessings and to ask Him to bless others.  My heart is full, over-flowing.  I am blessed.

Make Me a Servant

It never ceases to amaze me...He always knows what I need when I need it.  He prods my heart and kindles a desire in me that must be fulfilled.

Devotionals arrive in my emails, harmoniously echoing a thought heavy on my mind.  A sermon is given, prompting deeper meaning, and the desire fairly bursts from me!

A song new to me is sung in worship, further solidifying the need...

Make me a servant
Humble and meek
Lord let me lift up those who are weak
And may the prayers of my heart always be
Make me a servant
Make me a servant
Make me a servant today

And may the prayers of my heart always be
Make me a servant
Make me a servant
Make me a servant today

As the Lord knows I want to serve him more, I must be alert to the opportunities He puts before me.  I must be better prepared...

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, - (1 Peter 3:15)

A missionary from the 1800's or so made this quote:  "Some want to live within the sound of church or chapel bell; I want to run a rescue shop within a yard of hell." ~C.T. Studd

Wanting to live your life fully, according to the will of God, recognizing a need and stepping up to the plate...what am I doing today to fulfill and honor what I know the Lord wants of my life?  What are you?

Deflection

"Connie, deflection? That makes me think of ...well, not what I want."

That was my first impression. Deflecting is inbred, is it not? I mean, if it comes naturally...

Deflection to me means batting away, diverting attention...I don't know...swerving maybe. I've been good at that ALL MY LIFE. Too tall, too skinny (okay, I can hear the laughing), too shy. Anything to keep the attention away. That's a little hard to do when you are "the preacher's kid" and new in a new town, a new school. To survive you must deflect. You must cover up the defects, the insecurities, the little-less-than-average feeling which creeps into your bones. No history to stand on here (too many moves), no old friends since childhood to lean on. All eyes on you and nowhere to go. Deflection was essential...it let me breathe.

So I learned to deflect early. Consistently. Shamefully. Interminably. Always wondering if people could see through me...or had I practiced this so long that I believed my deflective self. Calm on the outside, jelly within. Competent on the outside, utter failure on the inside. Smiling on the outside, tears within.

There is a secret to be divulged here...this condition of living makes for a very short life.

Some times our past is like an anchor- holding us back- we have to let go

of who we were to become who we will be.

Which started my questioning Connie's comment of  "in psych terms its called deflection:"   See, I attached my own past with deflection and it didn't taste good in my mouth.  I wanted to erase the taste but it was sticking like peanut butter.  I had moved on, hadn't I?  I was past the pretending, the conforming, desiring to please, the yearning to be accepted, to just be liked.  Wasn't I?

Yes!  But the real concept I was having trouble with was forgiveness.  Not of others, no, that gets easier every day.  But forgiving myself?  Truly letting my past sins go?  Not denying them, which is merely a delusion: flimsy, fake, and shallow...more like my idea of deflecting.  But forgiveness is real: robust and solid and deep.  It is not an avoiding of the truth, but a dealing with it squarely, however painful.

Isa 43:25 (NIV) "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

Every past has sin, sin to be dealt with, squarely and fully, with godly sorrow, confessed and repented.  I thank the Lord for His forgiveness and if He can deal with my sins and remember them no more, I can do no less.

Sacrifice or Reward?

I am a selfish woman, somewhat lazy and wasteful with my time.  I constantly must ask forgiveness for self-centered thoughts and words.  I would rather be reading a good book than finishing chores.  I would rather ride than walk, sit than stand, float than swim...you get the picture.

Having been gone for a week, there is a car to unload, suitcases to unpack, and stuff to return to its rightful place.  Yet, I sit here reminising and recalling words from this past week that made such an impression on me.  Snippits of lectures and conversation drift through my head, taken from people who have dedicated themselves to learning and the ability to enrich others with the Word.

Attending the Christian Training Series at Freed Hardeman University is a precious week for me.  Being able to serve others by working in it may be the sacrifice, but the reward far surpasses any effort put forth on my part.  I am in awe of the number of talents displayed at CTS, how so many speakers can inspire me to better thoughts, actions and endurance, leaving me with a desire to learn more of spiritual things, learning to serve in better ways, learning to share the love of God to everyone I come in contact with.

I watched a couple work tirelessly for the success of CTS, living on little sleep but always with a smile on their faces.  I thank God for Sam and Phyllis Hester.

I watched other staff helping, serving, working on behalf of others.  I thank God for their tireless devotion and loving spirits.

I watched as a sister in Christ spoke of her loving dad, dying of cancer, who would not let her stay home to help him but urged her to attend the series he loved, knowing her spirit would be renewed and knowing his spirit faced a safe haven with the Lord.  I thank God for Mary Ann, her family, her dad Sammy.

I watched and heard voices raised to God in song day after day, blending in harmony so pleasant and encouraging to the ears.  I thank God for the ability to praise Him in song.

We all have a choice.  We make them every day.  We choose where we want to go, what we do, what we say.  You can choose to spend your time and efforts in entertainment, comfort and vanity.  Or you can choose to immerse yourself in the atmosphere of love, praise, the Word, the blessings that abundantly abound from the fellowship of your Christian brothers and sisters. 

I thank God for CTS, Christian Training Series at Freed Hardeman.  You should, too.

Radical Pruning



Tree before storm

 The last storm took one half of a tree down in our yard.  It wasn't the prettiest of trees nor the most healthy or obviously, the strongest.  But it was very pleasant to focus on from my window and had a limb low enough to hang a bird feeder on.  Planted to one side of the pool, it lost enough leaves to be a menace to the pool cleaning chores, yet the odd shape was appealing to the eye.  My eye anyway.

My husband cut up the downed half tree and remaining half, but the stumps wouldn't bulge.  I found another tree limb suitable to hang the feeder located in another part of the yard.  The stumps look desolate and sad and the backyard misses the shade.  The birds miss it more.  They keep flying around the stumps as if not quite believing their shelter and food source is really gone.  It's as though, if they go one more time, things will be different and they will be fed as always, finding a limb to rest on inbetween feasting on the swinging lunch bar. As it is, they sing out in high pitched cries of disappointment and frustration.

Sometimes I am that bird.  I go to God's Word every morning and I feed and feel nourished and comforted.  Then that morning comes when I read and my world is rocked and I find myself tetering on the brink of something fearsome.  Have I ever read this message before?  Why did I not understand it as it seems to be taking my very breath now?

Sometimes I think...I know...that God is pruning me, cutting away the parts of me that hinder my growth, my relationship with Him...and while I am thankful for His care, this pruning, this cutting away can be painful.  Sometimes I can hardly hold up, I am so weary.  But my heart knows that He is always there, opening other doors, keeping me hungry for new opportunities to serve Him.  He is always there and will give me what I need.  I am blessed to be pruned.

John 15:5-6 "I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me, and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch, and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned."

Our tree needed a serious, radical pruning.  It came at a cost.  But as persistent as these birds be in flitting back and forth to the unsightly stumps, I am confident they will find their familiar feeder, equipped with nourishment, and all they need do is fly in a different direction.

Flutters

Love.  Confidence.  Contentment.  Joy.  Then...flutters.

A clear, sunny day can suddenly turn to black, ominous clouds and blustery winds.  Loving, harmonious marriages destroyed by a weak moment.  Healthy, active bodies brought low by a silent killer disease.

If we could see our futures, would we...could we...sustain happiness for any length of time?  Maintain hope?  Persevere even when the time table is speeding toward our end?  Would we be okay with it?

The question posed to us by Brian Basham last Sunday night rings in my ears.  If a "bad" thing happened to me or my loved ones, would I be okay with it?  With God?   Would I blame Him or would I praise Him?  How easy for me when my prayers are answered in my favor.  How easy for me when the cost is not completely debilitating but yet allowing me to bounce back. 

Vowing to forever honor and praise the Lord, in good times and in bad, there suddenly comes little ...flutters.  The heart skips a beat and the breath is caught, and a prayer is uttered as my hand flies to my chest.  I believe, Lord, help my unbelief.







 

Overwhelmed

I am overwhelmed.  My blessings abound and I am thankful.  How much more can I continue to receive, enjoy and hold when there are others hurting, worried and lost.  

Losing my mother when she was only 57, losing my middle sister when she was 56, and six months later losing my dad when he was 84.  The big "C" word invaded our lives with Mother's illness and it seemed downhill after that.  My sister, Cathy, fought a pituitary tumor for 10 years and my dad fought lung cancer for 1 + years.  Where is my debilitating, life-ending disease?

My friend, Sammy Carroll, has been and is fighting for his life, and his sweet wife, Faye, hangs in the balance.  

My Alabama relatives continue to recover from a devastating tornado, losing material things but thankfully, not their lives.  Hundreds more lost it all.

There are hundreds more going to bed tonight on a dirt floor or maybe concrete sidewalk.  There are children starving in third world countries who cannot seem to advance past their greedy governments.  There are marriages riding a roller coaster of abuse/love/hate/dependency. 

So much unfairness, so much hurt, hunger and hate. 

Yet, I, one who is most undeserving, feel the blessings of her children and grandchildren, a faithful and caring husband, see the pleasing view of God's nature in abundance, know the hope and trust of her saviour and redeemer, and wonder...as blessed as I am...am I fulfilling my God's plan for my life...am I reaching out for those who are lost, hungering and thirsting for a better life...am I growing and changing into Christ's likeness?

 "Come now, you who say, Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15)

Dear Father, help me to appreciate my life, but don't let me grow comfortable lest I miss an opportunity to help someone see your faithfulness, your love and your abundant blessings...and your promises.  In the name of Jesus.

The Weaver

I prefer days with blue skies and warm temperatures, with maybe a few light cumulus clouds drifting through.  I prefer tranquil days and peaceful nights of blissful sleep with no dreams.  I prefer no turmoil, no problems, no dissent, no stress, no forgotten chores.  I prefer people who do right. 

However, I live in a different time, a different family, a different world.  And in spite of all my clinging to a smoothly carved path, someone's roller coaster comes along and scoops me up to heights I'd rather not experience, to lows I can hardly bear.  Sometimes I find the roller coaster has my own name written on it...and I didn't even know I started it rolling.

A poem was read to us at a worship service called "The Weaver" by Benjamin Malacia Franklin. 

My life is just a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot change the color
For He works most steadily.

Oft times He weaves the sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Until the loom is silent
And the shuttle cease to fly,
Will God roll back the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the skillful  Weaver's Hand
As the golden threads of silver
He has patterned in His Plan.

It is not easy to be thankful or even understand hard times, but it serves a purpose.  I ask God to refine me, knowing from experience that this request may be answered in ways difficult to handle and by methods I might wish not to encounter.  But that is the point, isn't it?  That my faith be stronger, that I grow in dependence on the grace of our Lord, and that I surrrender each and every concern to the One who knows me best.

While my heart aches for those facing trials, both real and imagined, my prayers have become my constant thought process, increasing my love for those in need and praying they turn to the only one who can truly comfort...knowing that one day we will fully understand the dark threads and how they shaped our lives.

Weeds and Deeds

I love the look of my new yard...new to me but used and enjoyed by others before me.  I despise weeds.  Did you know you can pull one weed and three more appear?  Really.  Almost instant.  Like housework, it's a job that never quits, never gets completely finished,  back-breaking and actually just sweatty work.  I'm not that fond of sweat either.

And don't get excited...this is not my flower bed!

But I keep plugging...er, unplugging, I guess.  I tackle a small area at a time, saving my back as much as possible, wiping the aggravating sweat out of my eyes while longing for the cool, comfy peace of my little sunroom.  I stay out of that little sunroom and I keep working in that flower bed because each and every flower deserves as clean and neat a setting as I can give it.  They are God-given, of course, each with its own shape and color and as convinced as I am that my Father gave those flowers for my enjoyment, they come with responsibility such as care, protection and nourishment.

It has occurred to me that my life is exactly that...a yard of beauty with the inevitable weeds cluttering and clamoring to take over.  God made me in His image but I mar the beauty with selfish thoughts, cutting words and neglect of what's true, noble, pure and lovely.  I constantly have to pull these weeds and discard them, only to find they have slipped through my consiousness and made their presence known when I least want them.  My sweet husband knows this about me so well, yet he loves me still. 

Oh, Paul, how I can relate to your words in Romans 7:15:  For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.

As the weeds continue to grow and I continue to pull them up, so goes my spiritual walk.  I will not give up praying for strength to walk in God's way, I will not grow discouraged as the work continues.  Instead I will keep my eyes on the Lord and prepare myself for spurts of growth and times of weeding out.  I will not grow discouraged because I am a work in progress, a Christian in the midst of growth, constantly evaluating and cleaning up my life in anticipation of the greatest reward of all!

Awesome Power

A week of horror.  Days of voices of doom until the anticipation was painful but the reality far worse. 

I have had a fear of storms since I can remember.  I have very early memories of making a mad dash for the storm cellar (which seemed far, far away), with lightening flashing all around and the wind swirling...only to arrive in the blackest black, smelling of deep earth and the feel of many spider webs catching in my hair.  Absolute nightmare.  I think many people would have appreciated that storm cellar  in the last couple of days.

Watching videos of tornadoes touching down in Alabama and other states is fearsome and unbelievable.  The devastation is heart breaking, and that's from viewing from afar.  I cannot imagine the shock of seeing your neighborhood flattened, of being unable to account for family members or friends.  My heart aches for the loss these people are experiencing, not to mention the injuries and the deaths. 

When I see the total destruction from the sheer power of a tornado, I think, what could be worse than that.  These tornadoes, I fear.  Most people do.  Most will heed the warnings given and take cover to protect their lives.  Yes, much power in a tornado.  We recognize it and fear it. 

But there is a power more fearsome than a tornado.  Our God is an awesome God, with more power than anything we can imagine.  Fear Him.  We need to heed His warnings and protect our souls from devastation.  We need to give Him the respect we give the terrible storms. 

Lord, I ask you to wrap each person affected by these storms in your loving arms, giving them peace and strength to get through the days ahead.  May each one recognize that you are all powerful and all loving and that their faith in you grow as they lean on you.  In the name of Jesus.

And This is My Prayer...

There's a young girl missing.  I don't know her personally but she's tugging at my heart.  Lots of people are searching for her.  Have been for some days now.  A public prayer event has been issued on Facebook for tomorrow, the 20th, at 11:30.  I plan "to attend."

A member of my family is missing also.  Oh, physically, she's there.  But spiritually, she's lost.  She's lost her way in this world, spiraling into the abyss and has no idea how painful it will be.  Words bounce off and fall away because physical desire and nearsightedness are consuming her and the voice of truth cannot be heard...and I am so afraid.  No public prayer event has been organized but prayers have been offered by many in her family circle.

Prayer.  Much talked about, much requested.  A verse in Mark has been coming to me in email, Facebook postings, devotionals...you name it.  I seem to have been bombarded with it.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.  (Mark 11:24)

 ...believe that you have received it...Faith with a capital "F"!  Oh, Lord, how do I reconcile my wants and needs, for myself or others, with Your will?  How do I let my faith soar to higher heights when what I pray for may be selfish, self-serving, convenient, or even comfortable, if I do not predicate my plea with Thy will be done in all things? 

I want and I pray for Holly to be found in good health and brought safely home.  I desperately want my niece to wake up to her deteriorating life and recognize her creator and do His will.  But how can I know the plans He has? He knows things I cannot know.  He sees things I cannot see.  My faith in God tells me when I ask for guidance and wisdom, He will provide me what I need.  I pray tonight that He gives these two young women what they need at this hour, this day, His will be done.

Feeling Adrift But Still Tethered

Time.  Effort.  Energy.  Accomplishment.  Beneficial?  Constructive?

I have an on-going debate in my head.  I go through motions and wonder if I have a heathy balance or distorted sense of importance.  I miss continuity, the pleasure of sameness, the pleasure of being and of belonging.  I ache for the day of spiritual purpose as my heart and mind seeks the will of God through prayer and watchfulness.  I feel somewhat adrift.

Setting your house in order after a move is essential but robs you of precious time, energy and good humor.  Don't get me wrong, I am no different from you, and my desire to have a presentable home is my goal where my family and friends can gather and feel comfortable.  But where do I draw the line in the importance of "presentable" before it becomes too much a "focus in myself."  Where do I draw the line in taking pleasure in material things and items of comfort for myself and my husband?  How do I know when ordinary care becomes an obsession?

I think I know.

When I have nagging, persistent thoughts that I am neglecting my spiritual soul, that my time usually spent in Bible study is decreasing instead of increasing, that I am craving the fellowship of my sisters in Christ...then I KNOW I am focusing too much on the world and not enough on my Lord.  Hurried prayers are sometimes essential, but are not a substitute for devoted, thankful, concentrated, and yes, even gut-wrenching pleas of direction and guidance.

“All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up." (1 Cor. 10:23)  Yes, Paul, I see what you mean.  Setting up my home is good and necessary, and even my duty as a wife.  I want my husband to be content in his home, and I know my efforts are to reflect God's glory...whoa, what?  To the glory of God!  "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."  (Col. 3:17) 

What a blessing to be able to go the Word and instantly be edified and comforted!  To know that our God sees my internal struggles and provides for me while I'm not looking!  Just as I know this home will eventually be "done" and the moving completed, He will provide the church family that I yearn for here, for the sweet sisters waiting on a new relationship, for new doors to open and for opportunity to grow in His spirit. 

With tears stinging my eyes at the thought of God's love and compassion...on me of all people...as the sun rises through the windows of this room, I am renewed with hope.  I can balance my life...purpose will return...as whatever I do, in word or deed, I do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, and give thanks to God the Father through Him!

Counting Blessings in Hard Places

It was not my best day.   It was not in "my control."  It was not my best "I'm going to be thankful in every circumstance" effort to see God's face in every direction of my life.

Granted, moving is hard work; remodeling before moving is hard work; keeping stress down to a minimum for both my husband and myself is hard work.  The best laid plans of mice and men - that sort of thing, you know?  And did I mention the hour and 40 minute drive back and forth to coordinate, choose, clean, solve or mediate between different laborers?  The seemingly endless miles of traveling, knowing there is umpteen hundred things I could be doing at home, like sorting, packing, throwing out,  cleaning out - and maybe even do a little office work inbetween? 

Oh, the pity party is just getting started!  With mind racing, and the clock ticking slowly in the wee hours of the morning, with spur-riddled spine speaking to me with each turn, I yearn for that meditative hour of simply being, of thankfulness, of oneness, of joy, of contentment.  How do I count my blessings always?  I read I Thess. 5:16-18:

¹⁶ Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances;

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

There it is, one little word..."in".  In all circumstances, not for all circumstances.  Okay, I get that, I can do that.  But before my resentful anger and discontent rise to the surface, can I respond with thanks instead of such loud thoughts and words?  Can I look at upheavals and annoyances and see grace and gifts of blessings instead?

I have come to think that counting your blessings in all circumstances must come with practice.  Practice being thankful first.  Choose being thankful first.  Because everything is a choice...every word, every action...every thought?  Yes.  I choose to seek His will; I choose to align my thoughts with His; and I choose joy, contentment and thankfulness. 

Practice.  I'm going to pray and practice. 

What Appears to Me...

The river appears very still this morning, with the gulls fluttering in and out of the scene outside my window, the opposite hill and trees reflected in the mirror image of the water.  Occasionally, you will see the ripple appear and slowly dissipate where a fish has disturbed the evenness of the water.  If I didn't know this river, if I hadn't experienced the current itself, I would never know that it runs even now under that stillness, that fish and other aquatic life are active in their quest for food.  It never stops.  But to the observer above, it is all calmness and serenity.

Every person I see today will present an exterior that can be camouflaging a turbulent interior or truly a gentle spirit.  Only God knows for sure.  I can wrongly judge a person's intent, attitude, purpose, conviction or desire.  I can place him or her in a category unfairly determined or inappropriately justified, because I base my opinion on what I see, hear or smell.  Can anyone know the true nature of another human being without being biased by our own experiences, convictions or emotions?

Reading a great devotional today brought me to this sentence:  Knowing God's true nature is important because we become what we worship.  How can I know God's nature without knowing what He's said, what he's commanded?

I vow this day to know my God more thoroughly, to keep His words on my heart and in my mind so that my own views, my own desires do not interfere with my worship of Him, that no one or no thing ever come between me and my Father in heaven ever again.  And when I look upon this river of calm, I can reflect on my spirit actively seeking and practicing those things God has commanded in order that my nature reflect the Creator.

And Then There Were Three...

Just when you think you're full-up on joy and awe in your life,  blessed beyond anything you deserve, your arms are filled with a small bundle of new life that takes your breath away and humbles you before the Lord.  Giving birth.  Simple words, simple meaning that unless you've experienced it yourself or watched your children experience it, you cannot fathom the full measure of love.  It is instantaneous, never fully appreciated until you are struck dumb with the gift of life and your emotions spill over and you are...so...very...thankful!

We probably take childbirth for granted these days, and with the advantage of epidurals, pain is better contained.  But it cannot cover up the sheer joy and wonderment of knowing you have nourished that baby inside your body, giving birth to a tiny human with perfectly formed limbs, still totally dependent on mother and dad's care and protection.

I was fortunate and blessed yesterday to see our newest grandson born into this world, Elijah Reed Evans, giving Mark and Erin a total of three beautiful boys.  Even though we are counties away from him today, I envision his tiny face and the intent way he looked and listened to whoever was holding him.  To do so brings me renewed joy and happiness and I thank God for blessing us so!

Whoever says birth is not a miracle has not considered the delicate process only God could create, the intricate design of nourishment and growth within the womb...and the marvelous bonding of one unseen!  

My prayer for this child is immeasurable love of the Lord, that his future be secure with the promises only God can provide.  I have no doubt that his parents will bring him up in God's instruction, that they will love him unconditionally as God loves us.  

It's a beautiful day today, little Eli, and you are much loved! 

 

Perspective is Relative

"Everything's relative."  Years ago, I worked in a small office with a guy who had a habit of saying that, like it was the answer to all life's questions.  It was annoying, really.  But whether it was because he said it so many times that it became imbedded in my mind, or whether he actually gave me something worthwhile to think about, I remember his words and they come to me at unexpected times.

During these dreary, snowy, cold days, I struggle to keep busy and not snuggle back in my bed.  I am not motivated nor am I content.  The few times the sun has broken through the glum, I am immediately more energetic, and my spirits are raised considerably.  See, everything's relative!

Living with chronic back pain is not easy (I'm not really changing gears...stay with me!).  Dealing with it and knowing there is no answer to your health problem is frustrating and depressing, draining you of energy better spent elsewhere.  If you aren't careful, your whole life becomes centered around the pain and self-pity for your circumstance.

Then you learn of a good friend who has developed seizures (with no

decipherable underlying cause), which has the ability to take hours from each day of her life, being unable to control them and literally making her a prisoner in her own home.  Suddenly, my back pain is less painful.

Then you think of another good friend who battles MS every single minute of every single day and night - without complaint, I might add.  Suddenly, my problems seem really small and I start...

...praying for my friends who are battling illnesses, for those who have lost their jobs, their homes, their loved ones; counting my blessings, being thankful for the very air I breathe, for the ability to get up out of bed each day to either work or play with my grandchildren, for being a child of God, and I...

...forget...my...back...pain.  

Wasn't our God just the smartest when He taught us to put others first, to love our neighbor as ourselves?  You see, he knew what would happen when we did that.  Our pains, our discomforts and disappointments fade when we use our energies toward others...and I'm pretty sure that's all relative.

A Different Result

They say everyone should move about every seven years just to get rid of junk.  Okay, I get it.  We've been living on the Tennessee River for going on 12 years...and while some things may not be junk, it's still stuff...and it's got to go!  So, I literally have piles:  throw-away, gift-away and keep.  Sometimes I have to go all over everything again because I've forgotten which is which.  Then I have these boxes of packed things that I hope we won't need before we actually move.  THEN, we had a perspective buyer who wanted to see this house today, so we half-heartedly cleaned around the boxes and piles, hoping someone would be able to see beyond the disaster in progress.  Another part of moving that I dislike.

In the midst of my scurrying, tired steps and wanting to appear nonchalent over whether they liked the house or not, this gentleman and his son arrive.  Less than a minute into our conversation, the father spoke of losing his wife recently and the lost, hurting soul of a man was revealed.  As he talked, my mind was bombarded with memories of my dad after mother died, how hard it was for him to function, to reason, to speak of anything or anyone other than his loss.  Grief does that to you.  It robs you of joy, of time, of awareness that life goes on until the Lord calls you home.

The last thing this gentleman today needs to do is make big decisions, changing his residence being one of those.  He needs time to grieve.  Instead of putting my hopes in selling this house, I will pray for this man and his family, for the loss of this wife and mother, and ask God to give them all peace.  Amen.

And a child shall lead them...

It was seven years ago.  The call came around 1:00 a.m. and I sprang from the bed like a young'n proclaiming, "We're going to be grandparents!"    It was about an hour and twenty minutes to the hospital, and even though I just knew we would be too late, we had a pretty long wait in that comfy waiting room.

But as the time got nearer, my daughter, Missy, gave me the greatest gift I had ever received...the pleasure, the incredulous moment of watching my grandchild being born into this world!  I was video-taping - from the head of the bed, mind you! - not realizing that with each push she gave, I was holding my breath and literally slumping down the wall when the contraction was over.  Whew, that was tiresome, but so exciting!  Crews was born looking wide eyed, so alert so soon, and taking in the sights around him.   Missy was calm - epidurals will help you with that - even though the room seemed so crowded with people and activity.  It was one of the greatest moments of my life, and I thank the Lord above for that safe delivery and beautiful child!

It is now seven years later, and Lord willing, we will be seeing our eighth grandchild by Monday, February 7th!  Mark and Erin will be having their third child, Elijah "Eli", which gives us seven grandsons and one granddaughter!  WHO KNEW WHAT A DIFFERENCE GRANDCHILDREN WOULD MAKE IN OUR LIVES!  Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

My Best Friend

Have I told you about my best friend?  He has literally turned my life upside down, taken me on a roller coaster ride, and has been the greatest blessing of all!  He's very smart, has the biggest heart, and is a wonderful grandfather.  He has always treated me with the highest respect and convinces me he values my opinion.  He has showered me with flowers, written me endearing and sometimes very suggestive notes, flatters me with knowledge and abilities I'm sure I do not possess...he's simply treated me like a queen for over 27 years!

You probably know him as Terry...but I've always called him Baby! 

He's taught me a lot through the years, such as "worrying has never changed a thing" and "some people cannot be helped".  He's not afraid to take a chance...indeed, he's dragged me along with him too many times to remember!

He's a great teacher, and that's not just my opinion - ask most appraisers and auctioneers in the state of Tennessee!  Better yet, ask Crooked Creek Church of Christ...he's been our adult Sunday School teacher for some time now. 

Yes, I've been blessed.  Every day is a blessing with him leading the way...but he keeps me right beside him!  Thank you, Baby, and thank you, Lord!

Seasoning Your Words

I was studying our lesson for tonight's class - Seasoning Your Words by Nancy Eichman - and it gave me pause for the objective of this blog.  Take for instance Proverbs 18:21:  The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.  And how many verses point to the folly of talking too quickly or too much?  Well, gang, forgive me if I ramble or bore you with too many details.  The beauty of our cyber world is that it's only a quick click of the mouse...and I disappear!  You gotta love it!

Heaven

I have not aways thought about heaven.  I think I took it for granted.  After all, I grew up on scripture, attended every service possible, memorized Bible verses from a very early age...so I knew all about heaven.  Today, it's a shock to meet anyone who doesn't know about heaven (or doesn't care to know), and amazing to see friends and even family who do not yearn for heaven or exhibit any desire to know more.

Isn't 1 Corinthians 2:9 enough?  "However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived—the things God has prepared for those who love him"

We have no conception of God's power and glory.  This planet?  This universe?  He spoke it and it was done.  He breathed it and it was made.  We can only imagine the glorious existence we have ahead of us, but we can be sure it will make this earth, this universe, pale significantly in comparison.  To see Him in His full glory will be magnificent at the very least.  What absolute joy awaits us! 

On This Day...

I always wanted to keep a journal.  I thought that was so cool, so organized, so useful.  I never did it.  And who knew my memory would go a tad bit non-existent and straining to remember doesn't do much to bring it back.  Oh, sure, sometimes those elusive memories will be jolted to the forefront by a reminder from one of the kids or hubby, but just a glimpse of it...not that detail that a written word can bring to your mind at a glance.  It just doesn't work that way.  Don't get excited; I do not have Alzheimers, but I do concern myself with that from time to time.  It's a good thing I believe in Christ and know that God is always in control!  So should I really lose my memory and not know who I am, my Lord will remember and see me through.

So, here I am.  It's a new day and on this day I will make every effort to put my memories down, and when I can no longer drag them into view in my mind, I will simply read this blog...and remember.