Deflection

"Connie, deflection? That makes me think of ...well, not what I want."

That was my first impression. Deflecting is inbred, is it not? I mean, if it comes naturally...

Deflection to me means batting away, diverting attention...I don't know...swerving maybe. I've been good at that ALL MY LIFE. Too tall, too skinny (okay, I can hear the laughing), too shy. Anything to keep the attention away. That's a little hard to do when you are "the preacher's kid" and new in a new town, a new school. To survive you must deflect. You must cover up the defects, the insecurities, the little-less-than-average feeling which creeps into your bones. No history to stand on here (too many moves), no old friends since childhood to lean on. All eyes on you and nowhere to go. Deflection was essential...it let me breathe.

So I learned to deflect early. Consistently. Shamefully. Interminably. Always wondering if people could see through me...or had I practiced this so long that I believed my deflective self. Calm on the outside, jelly within. Competent on the outside, utter failure on the inside. Smiling on the outside, tears within.

There is a secret to be divulged here...this condition of living makes for a very short life.

Some times our past is like an anchor- holding us back- we have to let go

of who we were to become who we will be.

Which started my questioning Connie's comment of  "in psych terms its called deflection:"   See, I attached my own past with deflection and it didn't taste good in my mouth.  I wanted to erase the taste but it was sticking like peanut butter.  I had moved on, hadn't I?  I was past the pretending, the conforming, desiring to please, the yearning to be accepted, to just be liked.  Wasn't I?

Yes!  But the real concept I was having trouble with was forgiveness.  Not of others, no, that gets easier every day.  But forgiving myself?  Truly letting my past sins go?  Not denying them, which is merely a delusion: flimsy, fake, and shallow...more like my idea of deflecting.  But forgiveness is real: robust and solid and deep.  It is not an avoiding of the truth, but a dealing with it squarely, however painful.

Isa 43:25 (NIV) "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

Every past has sin, sin to be dealt with, squarely and fully, with godly sorrow, confessed and repented.  I thank the Lord for His forgiveness and if He can deal with my sins and remember them no more, I can do no less.