Pesky Doubt

Praying in the morning, looking out over the green grass and fields dotted with flowers outside my windows...one of the best times of my day.  Thanking the Lord for His creation and wondering how magnificent heaven must be, longing to see it...longing to see Him...the vision brings me face to face with recounting my life...and I falter and tremble.  Words of praise begin to stutter and invading memories close up the throat and force tears. 

Doubt is a self-defeating, ingenious tool and evil uses it skillfully. 

How does one live with being forgiven?  How does one accept this ridiculously undeserving act of...well, grace?  How does one look into the face of the graceful one and not want to literally cut away the selfish, horrid, unfathomable acts of the past when you love the graceful one with every fiber of your being and can stand no more the mere thought of displeasing Him?  How does one rewrite life?

You cannot.  It's done. 

Prayer is interrupted by tears of sorrow, doubts of inferior makeup too tainted to be loved or fully forgiven.  How many times has doubt marred my moments and old fears consumed my body? 

Relinquishing my efforts in prayer and picking up the laptop instead, the first devotional email speaks of turning your mess into a message:

"God happens to be in the restoration business.  He is willing to restore and heal all who come to Him.  It doesn't matter who are you, what you've done, or what has been done to you.  God is willing and able to turn any tragedy into triumph..."

~Micca Campbell 

As I read, I am overcome with yet another message: 

The Healer of the broken
The friend to every sinner
Who knows the sorrow of each scar...

~Gwen & Sue Smith

You see, it is the scars that concern me.  How can I proclaim the goodness of Christ if my scars detract from the message?  The hardest part of living life is forgiving myself for what the Lord has already forgiven!

Another devotional message comes in:

"Recently I was thanking the Father for his mercy.  And I began listing the sins he’d forgiven.  “Remember the time I…” But I stopped.  Something was wrong.  It didn’t fit.  Does he remember?

Then I remembered.  I remembered his words in Hebrews 8:12: “And I will remember their sins no more.”  Wow!

God doesn’t just forgive, he forgets.  He erases the board.  He destroys the evidence. He burns the microfilm.  He clears the computer.  He doesn’t remember!"

~Max Lucado

Overcome with emotion, my tears are fresh with joy again!  It is always most humbling when I realize He hears my prayers!  BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, you are never alone and His word is truth!  He will give you what you need, when you need it, and His timing is always exactly on time!  Because He loves and forgives, therefore, I will love and forgive, too.

My prayer for you and me this day and every day:

     “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul

 and with all your strength and with all your mind; and,

Love your neighbor as yourself."   Luke 20:27

Rebellion Quenched?

"Rebellion is a method teenagers use to help them pronounce their independence and individuality."  I could have written that.  But I didn't.  Instead I lived it...off and on for far too long!  As the oldest of three girls, rebellion against chores came first, followed by the relentless admonition of "You have to be an example, not a stumbling block."  Resentment can burst forth in the tamest of individuals.

More duties fell naturally to me...older, more responsible, more reliable...who secretly seethed with indignation of the unfairness of work load and less to no expectation of help from siblings.  Oh, the self-absorbed rantings of a teenager!

Instinctively independent, living life has been inundated with constant resistance to parental authority.  While encouraging for a child to reach their potential, independence can walk a thin line with rebellion.  It is difficult for a young person to judge correctly when the lines are blurred.

Leaving home at the earliest opportunity was supposed to open my world and let myself fly!  It did just that.  But the world is full of dreadful obstacles and my flying became dangerously unstable.  Still, my rebellious senses kept telling me flee towards a life I deserved...but who was I rebelling against now?  

Who knew that years of taking lead responsibility, caring for younger siblings and constantly stepping up to the plate, would bring me to yet more years of care giving, first for my mother and then years of care for a sister and my dad.  Those previous years of preparation, though unknown to me at the time, built up strength for when my family would really need me.  While I was secretly whining about my role and wanting my family to care for me, my Lord was giving me family to care for.  I must admit to thinking at the time that life was being just a bit unfair.  Selfishness comes naturally to me also.

Was I a perfect caregiver or sister?  Not by a long shot.  I have my share of regrets. Was it a life of my dreams?  Sadly, I never thought it lived up to my "expectations."  

But the beauty of older age is looking back at how your life has been played and see how God has worked his will.  I thought I was viewing troubles, trials, and obstacles to my existance.  But God corrected my vision, showing me how He was there with me all along, giving me strength, honing my patience and growing my maturity.  He KNEW I would be needed by my family and gave me the tools to do just that.

 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. - James 1:2-4

My short-sided vision could not show me the wisdom of the scripture above.  I thank the Lord, for allowing me to finally recognize that a life caring for others is the greatest calling I could have.  However, I fully expect a call from my sister shortly, and I also ask the Lord to remind me of this again, as I wait eagerly for my maturity!