Pesky Doubt

Praying in the morning, looking out over the green grass and fields dotted with flowers outside my windows...one of the best times of my day.  Thanking the Lord for His creation and wondering how magnificent heaven must be, longing to see it...longing to see Him...the vision brings me face to face with recounting my life...and I falter and tremble.  Words of praise begin to stutter and invading memories close up the throat and force tears. 

Doubt is a self-defeating, ingenious tool and evil uses it skillfully. 

How does one live with being forgiven?  How does one accept this ridiculously undeserving act of...well, grace?  How does one look into the face of the graceful one and not want to literally cut away the selfish, horrid, unfathomable acts of the past when you love the graceful one with every fiber of your being and can stand no more the mere thought of displeasing Him?  How does one rewrite life?

You cannot.  It's done. 

Prayer is interrupted by tears of sorrow, doubts of inferior makeup too tainted to be loved or fully forgiven.  How many times has doubt marred my moments and old fears consumed my body? 

Relinquishing my efforts in prayer and picking up the laptop instead, the first devotional email speaks of turning your mess into a message:

"God happens to be in the restoration business.  He is willing to restore and heal all who come to Him.  It doesn't matter who are you, what you've done, or what has been done to you.  God is willing and able to turn any tragedy into triumph..."

~Micca Campbell 

As I read, I am overcome with yet another message: 

The Healer of the broken
The friend to every sinner
Who knows the sorrow of each scar...

~Gwen & Sue Smith

You see, it is the scars that concern me.  How can I proclaim the goodness of Christ if my scars detract from the message?  The hardest part of living life is forgiving myself for what the Lord has already forgiven!

Another devotional message comes in:

"Recently I was thanking the Father for his mercy.  And I began listing the sins he’d forgiven.  “Remember the time I…” But I stopped.  Something was wrong.  It didn’t fit.  Does he remember?

Then I remembered.  I remembered his words in Hebrews 8:12: “And I will remember their sins no more.”  Wow!

God doesn’t just forgive, he forgets.  He erases the board.  He destroys the evidence. He burns the microfilm.  He clears the computer.  He doesn’t remember!"

~Max Lucado

Overcome with emotion, my tears are fresh with joy again!  It is always most humbling when I realize He hears my prayers!  BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, you are never alone and His word is truth!  He will give you what you need, when you need it, and His timing is always exactly on time!  Because He loves and forgives, therefore, I will love and forgive, too.

My prayer for you and me this day and every day:

     “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul

 and with all your strength and with all your mind; and,

Love your neighbor as yourself."   Luke 20:27